*Disclaimer* this is based on my own personal experience and shouldn't be used as a reference on deciding whether or not you should go to university if you have anxiety. Plenty of people go to university with anxiety and find people who are in the same boat as them and they become fast friends.
When people think of university, they think of making friends with their flatmates, getting drunk all the time, staying up late eating pizza and drinking vodka, going out to different clubs every night. But what rarely gets addressed is what it's like to go to university when you have anxiety.
University with anxiety is like getting thrown into a swimming pool at the deep end after 2 swimming lessons - you're a bit prepared but when it happens you feel like you're drowning.
Before I started university I told myself that it was going to be my year of changing everything, I was going to make friends and join societies and be a happier person. But, little did I know that it would be the opposite. University has brought me nothing but stress and loneliness.When I met my tutor group, I tried to communicate but just couldn't bring myself to say anything to them. But if I'm honest, none of them seemed like people who I could get on with very well anyway. However, I did make two friends at university, Luci and Jake. During the first few days of lectures, I'd seen Luci about and thought that she seemed like someone I could be friends with, and then on the thursday, I had my first lesson with my tutor and my tutor group and she walked in and got sat with me, said she had missed induction week. After that we were inseperable in lessons and often thought of together by most tutors, although I do think this was down to us both having brightly coloured, ever changing hair throughout the whole year. Luci is amazing, she has a wonderful personality but because of my anxiety, I find myself not knowing what to say to her most of the time so 75% of our conversations are about lectures and work. She is someone I spend most of my time wishing I was closer to, someone I wish I could call my best friend cos fuck, I haven't had one of those in 4 years. My other friend, Jake, he introduced himself to me (and later told me that he planned out how he was going to introduce himself to me) and in all honesty, I found it easier to talk to Jake because he treats everyone like he is already friends with them and that's great to me because it means i get to skip the awkward introductions (Although, Jake left university after 7 months so that friendship didn't last that long). Okay, so throughout the whole year, it was nice knowing I had friends but during the anxiety attacks knowing I had friends but not knowing how to talk to them about it fucking sucks and tbh, probably made it worse.
So flat parties. meant to be insanely good right? well, they kinda are. A bunch of drunk people drinking more alcohol and singing that stupid song while someone downs their drink, getting everyone to pour some of their drink into a big jug and getting everyone to down as much as they can. First one I went to was great but I think that was because one of the people I lived with was there and this was in the first week so she still pretended that we had the potential to be friends. The next one however, was a bummer - barely anyone turned up so I got ignored most of the night - possibly because anxiety stopped me having the guts to talk to anyone.
Another problem I faced at university was my work. It was never too difficult but there were plenty of times that I had my doubts that my work was good enough and because of anxiety, I couldn't go to my tutor and ask for help. I could never go to my tutor with any problems or doubts that I had which was a real shame because she was lovely. There were plenty of times that she would ask me if everything was going okay and even if I was close to tears I still couldn't bring myself to admit that I felt like I was falling apart.
University isn't all bad though, despite my anxiety, I did have a lovely year. One of my best memories was the day I spent out with Luci, it was after university had finished but I'm still going to count it. So, me and Luci went to mini golf and then we spent the rest of the day wondering around the city. I had spent the whole right before completely worried about what was going to happen, whether or not I'd have the guts to say anything to her, trying to plan out what I would say to her. And, I guess it payed off because we had a really lovely day together.
Throughout the year, anxiety has prevented me from doing a hell of a lot at university and i can honestly say that it isn't the same for everyone. I just thought I'd share my personal experience.
xox
Wednesday, 29 July 2015
Thursday, 23 July 2015
Review of Parkway Drive - Vice Grip
This has been a long time coming. They released this song like what, a month ago?
but once again, much like the bring me the horizon review, this is a first reaction review, meaning that I'm listening to this song for the first time while I write the review.
Parkway Drive are a band that I have admired for a long time now so not listening to this song sooner was a difficult task, took a hell of a lot of self control. Really hoping I'll like this song.
okay, the intro is very promising. Instrumentally the intro is brilliant, vocally the intro is brilliant. So far, I can't fault the song. this review is probably going to be very short because I can't just keep repeating "this is sick" haha. I think I'll just read the lyrics, maybe that'll pack the review out a little bit. okay so lyrically the song is great, a lot of it is very repetitive but most choruses are. The verses however, are actually pretty good. the lyrics are very relateable and I think a lot of people will listen to this song just to feel like there are people out there that know and understand them and what they're going through which i think is nice. I think it's really lovely when bands are able to have that kind of connection with their fans.
I think this is going to be the end of this one because there isn't much else I can say about this song. It's brilliant, check it out if you haven't already.
but once again, much like the bring me the horizon review, this is a first reaction review, meaning that I'm listening to this song for the first time while I write the review.
Parkway Drive are a band that I have admired for a long time now so not listening to this song sooner was a difficult task, took a hell of a lot of self control. Really hoping I'll like this song.
okay, the intro is very promising. Instrumentally the intro is brilliant, vocally the intro is brilliant. So far, I can't fault the song. this review is probably going to be very short because I can't just keep repeating "this is sick" haha. I think I'll just read the lyrics, maybe that'll pack the review out a little bit. okay so lyrically the song is great, a lot of it is very repetitive but most choruses are. The verses however, are actually pretty good. the lyrics are very relateable and I think a lot of people will listen to this song just to feel like there are people out there that know and understand them and what they're going through which i think is nice. I think it's really lovely when bands are able to have that kind of connection with their fans.
I think this is going to be the end of this one because there isn't much else I can say about this song. It's brilliant, check it out if you haven't already.
First reaction to Bring Me the Horizon - Happy Song & Throne
This is a post that has literally been in my drafts since happy song got released and until now I haven't listened to it because I wanted this post to be a "first reaction" and tbh, if it wasn't for the fact that they have just released the first official single off of their new album, I probably still wouldn't have wrote this post.
So this is like a 4 minute song or something and judging by the beginning, I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I wasn't really holding much hope for the album because of all of the butt hurt fans that still live in 2008. But, I'm impressed. I really enjoyed the mellow songs on Sempiternal. I really like the lyrics too. I haven't had a proper look at them but they're pretty sweet. I am absolutely loving the instrumental aspects of this track, so fucking sick. Yep, I'm really liking this song, it's very similar to sempiternal at the end of the track. but yeah, second song released off the new album and I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to it, definitely think I'll be buying this album when it's released.
Okay, time to listen to the first official single off of the album - Throne.
I'm not 100% loving the intro, oli's vocals are brilliant - as always. the lyrics are pretty good. I'm really not a fan of the song instrumentally though. but anything with techno robot shit in, I've never been a fan of. This song is very repetative and a little basic/simple for my liking however I did read the interview that they did with Rolling Stone and Jordan Fish said himself that this song is the most simple one that they wrote for the new album.
I'm going to give it another listen but only because I actually want to watch the video this time.
not a fan of the video but after listening to the song a second time, I kinda like the drumming. But I think that might just be the only instrument that sounds good in the whole song. I think I would like oli's vocals a lot more if he didn't sound so grisly but that is probably due to years of screaming badly (not saying his "screaming" was bad, just that his technique wasn't great and has quite obviously ruined his vocals and it will take a while for his voice to go back to normal).
So this is like a 4 minute song or something and judging by the beginning, I think I'm really going to enjoy it. I wasn't really holding much hope for the album because of all of the butt hurt fans that still live in 2008. But, I'm impressed. I really enjoyed the mellow songs on Sempiternal. I really like the lyrics too. I haven't had a proper look at them but they're pretty sweet. I am absolutely loving the instrumental aspects of this track, so fucking sick. Yep, I'm really liking this song, it's very similar to sempiternal at the end of the track. but yeah, second song released off the new album and I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to it, definitely think I'll be buying this album when it's released.
Okay, time to listen to the first official single off of the album - Throne.
I'm not 100% loving the intro, oli's vocals are brilliant - as always. the lyrics are pretty good. I'm really not a fan of the song instrumentally though. but anything with techno robot shit in, I've never been a fan of. This song is very repetative and a little basic/simple for my liking however I did read the interview that they did with Rolling Stone and Jordan Fish said himself that this song is the most simple one that they wrote for the new album.
I'm going to give it another listen but only because I actually want to watch the video this time.
not a fan of the video but after listening to the song a second time, I kinda like the drumming. But I think that might just be the only instrument that sounds good in the whole song. I think I would like oli's vocals a lot more if he didn't sound so grisly but that is probably due to years of screaming badly (not saying his "screaming" was bad, just that his technique wasn't great and has quite obviously ruined his vocals and it will take a while for his voice to go back to normal).
xox
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
Questions and answers...
Okay, so this is basically an updated "about me" because I haven't done one since I started this blog two years ago. I basically looked through a bunch of quesiton and answer posts off of other peoples blogs and threw together a nice long list of questions.
Me.
Beauty/Shopping.
Random Bits and Bobs
Me.
- Do you have any siblings?
I do yeah, I have two brothers and two sisters. - How old are you?
I am 19 :) - What's your height?
I think I'm 5"6 - Do you workout?
Kinda, I try to do as many sit-ups and crunches as I can everyday, and I also try and walk instead of using trains/buses as much as I can. - Do you have any pets?
I don't no, although I did had a bunny called Buttons when I was younger and I have always lived with dogs as my parents always have them. I don't live at home anymore though and I can't have pets in my flat. - What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
drawing, singing, baking and binge watch netflix. - What do you feel is your greatest achievment?
I got a distinction in my grade 5 singing exam, and an A* in my music performance assessment. Which is pretty good for me because I'm not very lucky when it comes to getting good grades. - What do you value most in life?
My family - What do you do?
I'm at uni, but I'm also looking for a part-time job. - What is your dream job?
I'm not completely sure. I'd love to sing, that's my biggest dream, but, my main dream job is any career that I can help people in. I can't imagine myself sitting behind a desk because of my knee problem so idfk. Maybe I'll try out youtube, that would be perfect for me. - What did you take for your GCSE'S/in college?
For my GCSE's, I took catering, media studies and music. and in college I did applied science - boring af. - Do you make good grades?
no. I am one of them highly unfortunate people who studies their ass off and still gets awful grades. - Do you want to get married later on in life?
Not particularly. I don't like to feel trapped and that's basically what a marriage is, and tbh, I'd rather not be trapped with one person for the rest of my life, I'd end up spending every day riddled with anxiety. - Do you have any phobias?
fucking..omg, yes. Heights are just, ew. And spiders, moths and daddy long legs, I'd rather not. - Have you ever been abroad?
nope *sigh*
Beauty/Shopping.
- Heels or flats?
I adore wearing heels but fuck, they hurt far too much so imma go with flats. - Where do you buy most of your clothes from?
As I'm a student, I'm therefore a poor fucker and can only afford to buy clothes from primark, new look and H&M. - Favourite drugstore makeup brand?
Rimmel London and Maybelline cosmetics. - Favourite nail polish brand?
Barry M. - What was your first makeup item? I think it was a Barry M lipgloss or something.
- At what age did you start wearing makeup?
I was either 12 or 13, started off basic with a pretty crappy eyeliner and mascara. - Do you wear falsies? If so which brand?
nope. - How do you take care of your hair?
I make sure I wash it every 4 days because then it's still getting it's natural oils that it needs, but it's always getting kept clean - don't want to wash it too often. I also use two hair serums, a dove one (that isn't available in the UK, I got mine in a poundshop because the langauge on the bottle is in a different language) and a john freida one. I also make sure to use a deep conditioning hair mask every week and, I mainly use one called Roots from Lush. I'm not the best at caring for my hair though as I do dye my hair quite a lot. - Whats the colour of your natural hair?
I think my natural colour is a mousy brown. - What are your views on plastic surgery?
if it's what makes you happy then go for it, just don't go too far...one lip filler is fine, it looks nice, but 5 looks tacky - know the limit. But ye, I'm considering it myself. - Do you bite your nails?
ew no.
Random Bits and Bobs
- Which five celebs would be on your "list"?
Ryan Reynalds, Ryan Kwanten, Ruby Rose, Shay Mitchell, Jensen Ackles. - this was so difficult because like, what about Jude Law? Alex Pettyfer? Lily Collins? - Do you watch any american tv, if so what is your favourite?
I don't want any reality shows but I quite like watching American shows like pretty little liars, supernatural, chuck, once upon a time and agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. - What is your favourite type of sandwhich?
Chicken salad - how boring omg. - What wesbite do you visit the most besides youtube, blogger & facebook?
tumblr. Tumblr takes over my life. I go on it non stop for days and then have like a months break and then go back to it again for days on end, probably why i have hardy any followers on it - What is your favourite disney film?
gonna be completely honest here, I am not the biggest fan of disney movies. Although I do quite like tarzan and big hero 6. - Whats your favourite desert?
cheesecake for definite. - Do you drink juice?
doesn't everyone? - What's your favourite movie?
What a horrible question. - If you could move anywhere, where would it be?
America, or Australia. lovely weather and better than the UK. - Favourite colour?
Blue - Do you drink energy drinks?
When I'm getting tattooed ye - Do you drink coffee?
sometimes - If you could have a dinner party with 5 celebrities, dead or alive, who would you invite?
Sam Smith, Robin Williams, Miley Cyrus, Norman Reedus, Ashley Benson
Okay, this took a very long time. a lot longer than I expected...
XOX.
XOX.
Friday, 29 May 2015
Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Okay, so after everything I was watching finished, I needed something new to watch. And after scouring netflix for a good hour, I re-found Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. This show is one I saw advertised on sky many times and never thought much of, i'm not sure why though because it did look good, I wanted to watch it but I didn't expect much from it and a show like that doesn't really stick in your head but, with nothing else to watch I thought "why not". I stuck it on and I have to admit, I binge watched it. I managed to get through both seasons in a week. Which isn't that bad in all honesty, when I first started watching Pretty Little Liars back in 2010, I binge watched season 1a in one day.
But anyway, back to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. So yeah, I wasn't expecting much but I was really wrong to think that way. It is incredible. and I can not wait for season 3. The story line, insane, the characters, so likable. Even the villains are likable. The twists at the end of both seasons were both so unexpected. I have literally adored every episode. I started watching it with my friend and every time I watched an episode without them, I'd run to them like "you missed one hell of an episode" and watch it again with them. It's just so easy to get hooked on. Such good story lines and character profiles. I literally just can't get over how good it is. And, the thing that drew my in straight away is Skye. Skye is literally my favourite name, the name I want to name my first born girl and the main female of the show having that name excited me.
Part of me wants to post and rant about everything that happens but I don't want to ruin it for people that haven't watched it yet so I'm going to leave this post here. Apologies to those of you who have not watched it yet for mentioning the twists but let's be honest, every good show has a big plot twist at the end of every season...
xox.
But anyway, back to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. So yeah, I wasn't expecting much but I was really wrong to think that way. It is incredible. and I can not wait for season 3. The story line, insane, the characters, so likable. Even the villains are likable. The twists at the end of both seasons were both so unexpected. I have literally adored every episode. I started watching it with my friend and every time I watched an episode without them, I'd run to them like "you missed one hell of an episode" and watch it again with them. It's just so easy to get hooked on. Such good story lines and character profiles. I literally just can't get over how good it is. And, the thing that drew my in straight away is Skye. Skye is literally my favourite name, the name I want to name my first born girl and the main female of the show having that name excited me.
Part of me wants to post and rant about everything that happens but I don't want to ruin it for people that haven't watched it yet so I'm going to leave this post here. Apologies to those of you who have not watched it yet for mentioning the twists but let's be honest, every good show has a big plot twist at the end of every season...
xox.
Friday, 27 March 2015
10 years time
I don't know how many of you will have seen Alfie's video the other day. But, his video was a video response to the question that Will asked at the end of his video: Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
And, this got me thinking quite a lot, because when I was younger I used to plan my life. I knew what job I wanted, I knew how many kids I was going to have - and their names, I knew that I was going to get married - and a lot of the details of that wedding, I knew where I was going to live, what pets I was going to have, to be completely honest, I even knew how long I wanted to live for. I used to tell myself that I would die at around 60 - naturally or self inflicted - simply because I didn't want to live long enough for any life altering diseases to take over. But, now that I'm older I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm currently at university studying a pretty big subject, a subject that can open a lot of doors but I don't even know if I want a career in this area. I don't know where I want to live - although I do know it won't be in Liverpool (I hope). and to be completely honest, not knowing kinda scares me. I feel as though, at the age of 19, I should know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I turn 20 this year and I've never even had a job. It's time for me to grow up and start a career but I have no idea what I want it to be in. I feel as though I have no time for a job, university takes up all of my time but having a job is essential for life, I need a job for the experience, I need a job so that when I finish university I have something to fall into, a job to keep me going, income so that I can afford a place to live.
I have no idea what career I will have. Maybe tattooing, maybe piercing, maybe youtube, maybe a travel agent, maybe I'll live my dream of singing for my career - whether that's celebrity status or cruise ship singing, if I sing as my career, I can guarantee that I am happy with my job.
In ten years time, will I be married? no, probably not. I have decided that marriage is not for me, I don't want to be attached to someone in that way. I don't like feeling trapped and that is what marriage is. It's a trap, get married and you have to pay to leave the person you're with. You're trapped with that person for life. I like knowing that I can leave someone if I decide I'm not happy, without having to pay.
In ten years time I would like to have children. But, it probably won't happen. I will not have children until I am sure that I have enough to be able to look after a child. I want a nice house and a good job. And it might sound selfish, but I want to be able to travel, have some proper time to myself and whoever I am with before I have children. Children tie you down, tie you to one place, and I want to live before I decide to give life to another.
There are only a few things that I am certain on, and they are that I will have my pug, I will have a pet pug called Peanut. I will have my Alaskan Malamute (not sure on her name yet). I will have my dogs, I will have the person I want to spend my life with - whether that's the person I'm with now or someone else, I will be happy and I will be surrounded by my family and the people who care about me and hopefully I will have had a short period of time that is stress free.
I feel as this post lacked fluidity but I really had no idea how to word everything that is flying around in my head. There are so many things I want but realistically won't have - like a nice big house and all the tattoos I want, and there are a lot of things I hope to not have but probably will - like a shitty job & body. But that's just life. It's pretty difficult to say where you hope to be in ten years. Because if you get your hopes up and it doesn't turn out how you wanted, you'll be disappointed even if your life turns out pretty great. Anyway, I hope this wasn't too boring, I know I haven't posted in a while but I've not been very well lately and the days were I wasn't sick, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to post anything that anyone would enjoy.
Love & Peace, Lindsey xo
And, this got me thinking quite a lot, because when I was younger I used to plan my life. I knew what job I wanted, I knew how many kids I was going to have - and their names, I knew that I was going to get married - and a lot of the details of that wedding, I knew where I was going to live, what pets I was going to have, to be completely honest, I even knew how long I wanted to live for. I used to tell myself that I would die at around 60 - naturally or self inflicted - simply because I didn't want to live long enough for any life altering diseases to take over. But, now that I'm older I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm currently at university studying a pretty big subject, a subject that can open a lot of doors but I don't even know if I want a career in this area. I don't know where I want to live - although I do know it won't be in Liverpool (I hope). and to be completely honest, not knowing kinda scares me. I feel as though, at the age of 19, I should know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I turn 20 this year and I've never even had a job. It's time for me to grow up and start a career but I have no idea what I want it to be in. I feel as though I have no time for a job, university takes up all of my time but having a job is essential for life, I need a job for the experience, I need a job so that when I finish university I have something to fall into, a job to keep me going, income so that I can afford a place to live.
I have no idea what career I will have. Maybe tattooing, maybe piercing, maybe youtube, maybe a travel agent, maybe I'll live my dream of singing for my career - whether that's celebrity status or cruise ship singing, if I sing as my career, I can guarantee that I am happy with my job.
In ten years time, will I be married? no, probably not. I have decided that marriage is not for me, I don't want to be attached to someone in that way. I don't like feeling trapped and that is what marriage is. It's a trap, get married and you have to pay to leave the person you're with. You're trapped with that person for life. I like knowing that I can leave someone if I decide I'm not happy, without having to pay.
In ten years time I would like to have children. But, it probably won't happen. I will not have children until I am sure that I have enough to be able to look after a child. I want a nice house and a good job. And it might sound selfish, but I want to be able to travel, have some proper time to myself and whoever I am with before I have children. Children tie you down, tie you to one place, and I want to live before I decide to give life to another.
There are only a few things that I am certain on, and they are that I will have my pug, I will have a pet pug called Peanut. I will have my Alaskan Malamute (not sure on her name yet). I will have my dogs, I will have the person I want to spend my life with - whether that's the person I'm with now or someone else, I will be happy and I will be surrounded by my family and the people who care about me and hopefully I will have had a short period of time that is stress free.
I feel as this post lacked fluidity but I really had no idea how to word everything that is flying around in my head. There are so many things I want but realistically won't have - like a nice big house and all the tattoos I want, and there are a lot of things I hope to not have but probably will - like a shitty job & body. But that's just life. It's pretty difficult to say where you hope to be in ten years. Because if you get your hopes up and it doesn't turn out how you wanted, you'll be disappointed even if your life turns out pretty great. Anyway, I hope this wasn't too boring, I know I haven't posted in a while but I've not been very well lately and the days were I wasn't sick, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to post anything that anyone would enjoy.
Love & Peace, Lindsey xo
Thursday, 12 March 2015
Goodbye Terry.
I've not posted in a while for personal reasons but I thought I'd post a nice quick update because I'm feeling like I need to get a few things out.
As most of you probably know, the world lost one of its greatest, most inspirational authors today. Terry Pratchett has sadly passed away. And learning about this today made me think so much about my childhood.
There are quite a few things that no-one knows about me and for the sake of this post, I'm going to share one of those things now.
Growing up I used to write a heck load of stories and comic strips. Most of them were fantasy/sci-fi based the rest were horror/mysteries. I loved to write about monsters and alternate universes, death, murder and serial killers (Jack the Ripper being my biggest inspiration for the serial killer stories, the Yorkshire ripper being another inspiration). Anything I found interesting to read, I loved to write about. I had notebooks filled with stories. I had diaries that I used to write in. But I never wrote the diaries about my day, they were always about my characters day. My biggest influences for these stories were Terry Pratchett and Darren Shan. Another thing that no-one knows is that when I read a book, I imagine all of the details, all of the small things, I take them all into consideration in my imagination, say there's a monster, not only would I imagine what that creature looked like, I'd imagine the situation, the scene, I'd imagine what state the creature is in, is it out of breath, is it sweating, is it angry, how angry is it?, is it covered in a liquid? what liquid, bile? blood? vomit? and and sometimes, I'd draw what I was imagining. Drawing the creatures that other people imagined was probably one of my favourite things to do. But, I was so ashamed of doing it that I would draw it and then throw it away so that no-one else saw it. I used to want to be an author, or an illustrator, I used to want to write my own stories and draw the illustrations that would accompany them. That was a dream of mine, but one I never shared. I don't quite know why this is something I have never shared with anyone. I'm not exactly ashamed of doing these things or wanting those things, I guess I just didn't think anyone would understand. But, one of my inspirations has died today. And, to me, that's a sign. Even the greatest of people don't live forever, but they sure do last forever. Terry Pratchett will last forever in history, he will always be remembered, his stories will always be read and passed around, just like Shakespear and Grimm, and Conan Doyle. He will be forever loved and remembered. Terry was an inspirational man. Despite his terrible disease, he continued to create, he wrote stories that inspired and entertained the world and I think that if a man so ordinary, so normal, can become someone so important to so many people then what's to stop anyone else doing the same? The world is full of so many people, and at least one of them is going to be the next person to inspire the world. So many people are going to be known, known for their art, for their achievements and for their personality and I want to be one of those people. I want to leave my mark on the world and inspire millions, just like Terry did. I don't want to die, I want to die and be remembered by millions.
Sorry for the rather messy post. I didn't really think much about it before posting it. I just thought that I needed to get this out, and that this was the best place to do so.
love and peace, Lindsey xo
As most of you probably know, the world lost one of its greatest, most inspirational authors today. Terry Pratchett has sadly passed away. And learning about this today made me think so much about my childhood.
There are quite a few things that no-one knows about me and for the sake of this post, I'm going to share one of those things now.
Growing up I used to write a heck load of stories and comic strips. Most of them were fantasy/sci-fi based the rest were horror/mysteries. I loved to write about monsters and alternate universes, death, murder and serial killers (Jack the Ripper being my biggest inspiration for the serial killer stories, the Yorkshire ripper being another inspiration). Anything I found interesting to read, I loved to write about. I had notebooks filled with stories. I had diaries that I used to write in. But I never wrote the diaries about my day, they were always about my characters day. My biggest influences for these stories were Terry Pratchett and Darren Shan. Another thing that no-one knows is that when I read a book, I imagine all of the details, all of the small things, I take them all into consideration in my imagination, say there's a monster, not only would I imagine what that creature looked like, I'd imagine the situation, the scene, I'd imagine what state the creature is in, is it out of breath, is it sweating, is it angry, how angry is it?, is it covered in a liquid? what liquid, bile? blood? vomit? and and sometimes, I'd draw what I was imagining. Drawing the creatures that other people imagined was probably one of my favourite things to do. But, I was so ashamed of doing it that I would draw it and then throw it away so that no-one else saw it. I used to want to be an author, or an illustrator, I used to want to write my own stories and draw the illustrations that would accompany them. That was a dream of mine, but one I never shared. I don't quite know why this is something I have never shared with anyone. I'm not exactly ashamed of doing these things or wanting those things, I guess I just didn't think anyone would understand. But, one of my inspirations has died today. And, to me, that's a sign. Even the greatest of people don't live forever, but they sure do last forever. Terry Pratchett will last forever in history, he will always be remembered, his stories will always be read and passed around, just like Shakespear and Grimm, and Conan Doyle. He will be forever loved and remembered. Terry was an inspirational man. Despite his terrible disease, he continued to create, he wrote stories that inspired and entertained the world and I think that if a man so ordinary, so normal, can become someone so important to so many people then what's to stop anyone else doing the same? The world is full of so many people, and at least one of them is going to be the next person to inspire the world. So many people are going to be known, known for their art, for their achievements and for their personality and I want to be one of those people. I want to leave my mark on the world and inspire millions, just like Terry did. I don't want to die, I want to die and be remembered by millions.
Sorry for the rather messy post. I didn't really think much about it before posting it. I just thought that I needed to get this out, and that this was the best place to do so.
love and peace, Lindsey xo
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